Some of you who have been following my blog, know that I am working on my relationship with God. To some, that may sound a bit crazy. A relationship? Yeah…its when two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected. Trust me…I have tried relationships before so I am well aware of how they work…or don’t work. Most of mine have been more like ‘don’t work’ and some are so broken I honestly don’t see any hope but I keep trying and praying!
I know I have friends who believe in many things or they just don’t believe in anything. As I have said before….it does not change the fact that I love them! I have found that the moment one starts to talk about anything that has to do with God, it immediately seems like I am sending out some type of sonar signal for a complete wipe out of their mere existence! If you want to see people walk away from you, tell them you are a Christian and see what happens. They freeze up as if they don’t know what to say to you. Why is that? What are people afraid of? Well, if you would read on, I would like to share with you how being a Christian is changing parts of my life and how I struggle with other parts.
Go ahead…keep reading. No one knows. Oh wait…well, God knows but don’t let that freak you out. He knew if you were going to read it before you read it. Yeah, that is hard to understand too but seriously…keep reading!
Many of you know me, you know who I am. My life is like an open, emotional book. It has been filled with hardships, chaos, success, failures, obstacles and as always, the list goes on. What you may not know about me is that I have struggled with not only relationships in my life but with the one that is the most important. The relationship with God.
Not until recently did I decide to really make this relationship thing work. I was scared. What if it changes me? What if I lose friends? What if I don’t understand? What if…what if…what if!!! I was screaming this on the inside. Did this mean that I have to read my bible? Does this mean I have to go to church? Does it mean I have to say ‘God bless your heart honey’.
The answers to these questions are both yes and no. Yes, God will change me. Yes, I will lose friends but only because they chose to walk away from me. They should know I still love them anyway. No, I don’t understand some things but I am learning. I am also seeing the positives this has brought to my life. I do not go around saying ‘God bless your heart, honey’ because for one..that is not my type of vocabulary. I still have issues telling people ‘I will pray for you’ but I am trying!!! I do read my bible and I do go to church. Reading my bible is hard…I will openly admit that. Sometimes I would rather check my Facebook, text message with a friend or even just listen to music. When I go to church, I sometimes almost tell myself to stay home but then I look at my kids and I have a new strength to keep getting ready.
So you see, being a Christian is hard but it’s so nice to know that I am loved no matter what I have done in my life, no matter what happens in the future and no matter what. Period. God does not pick and choose the day, the week or the hour He loves me or He loves you. He just does. How do I know this? Let me tell ya….
Through my life I have not always been the best. Some times I didn’t like who I was when I looked in the mirror. Okay…many times I didn’t like who I was when I looked in the mirror.
When I got so sick in the last few months, I was on a roll with my life or so I thought. Soon I was stopped in my tracks. I had to come home from my dream job, I lost all of my income, people who I thought cared and loved me totally left me hanging and I was alone. I was angry. I was so mad at life period.
I was at the bottom. I was so scared and not certain of the future…and I was afraid of dying like that…with those feelings. It was real, it was painful and it was hard. It was also a wake up call for me. I begin to seek God in all this turmoil. I prayed like never before…I literally cried a flood of tears. Day by day I started to see things happen but it wasn’t superb, it wasn’t exciting nor did it have a tingle feeling. It was just a sense of peace. I was learning to see and accept God’s grace for me.
Here I am almost two months later and I can look back and see what God has done for me and my family. I have lived these months with no income. Things would just get taken care of and we were provided for. People whom I thought didn’t have time for me were the very one’s who stood by my family and helped out with my recovery care. My doctor and hospital bills were into the one hundred thousands….and it has all been wiped clean. That my friends is the work of Gods blessing on me and my kids. I will argue that fact any day!! I have my dream job I get to go back to with a new perspective. I have formed a neat bond with the ones who I will be spending so much time with and God has shown me how I can pay it forward to them. He has used me, my talents and my knowledge to help them as they go through this journey as well.
If you can understand how well we have been provided for by having good health again, being brought out of a dark place and having our needs met, then you will understand where I am coming from. Maybe you don’t understand and that is okay too. I was the same way. Some will read this or hear my stories of growth and be like ‘whatever…that’s stupid’. Okay…maybe to you it is but to me, it is everything!! Maybe if you stick around long enough and watch me, then maybe you will see the positive changes that only I know God can do.
If you have to feel like you can’t be my friend or have a relationship of any kind with me because I am a Christian and I am working on my walk with God, growing daily and seeking out to be a better person on the inside….well, I will deal with that. I would much rather you stick around though!!! It hurts. It hurts a lot when this happens but there is a purpose. I believe that. It does not change how I feel about others though. I get it…I really do.
Listen, being a Christian and loving God, believing in Him provides me with a comfort I have never had before. It lights a fire in your heart that allows you to see this world through His eyes. No, that is not me using a phrase that makes me sound silly. It simply means that when I see people now, I see them with a different kind of compassion and love in my heart because I too have been broken, hurt and struggling. It happens to us all….life circumstances is not gender or race specific.
As I said in my earlier blog post, I am still Christian Dew. The gal who loves her music so loud it vibrates the walls, having a great time, even okay to have a beer with a meal. Go ahead and let out a big gaaaasp as some Christians who see this statement and think it is taboo and there are some Christian’s who is totally okay with a beer or a glass of wine. It is a controversy but I really don’t understand why. I feel you can be a Christian and do that too. I don’t feel if you are struggling with alcoholism or drinking to fill a void in your life, then you should not engage. You have to be responsible…not reckless. I have a tattoo as well. God still loves me for that as well and so does my daddy 😉
Just because I am making these changes does not mean I still don’t have days where I wonder how in the world am I going to get through the day or get through this life. It took me three days recently to pick up my bible and read it. I couldn’t hardly focus on what I was reading but let me get an email or a message on Facebook….I am all over it. I am not a hypocrite at all so please don’t get that impression. I am a sinner who is broken, who is a work in progress and I have been saved by the grace of God. Some day down the road, I could very well have a bad week, a bad day and walk away from what I know which is God’s love is never-changing. It is a reality but I also know that if I do that I can always get back…that is the beauty of Gods love.
I blog about this because I am not trying to preach to anyone. I am only trying to share with others what it has done for my life. You may be reading this and be in a really dark place in your life, you may be in a broken marriage/relationship, you may be in chaos with life in general or struggling to find acceptance. I can tell you that as a Christian, someone who is working through so much…there is hope. Embrace the love that breathed life into you. It’s really super cool!!!
Love, Hugs & Smiles