What Is Next?

2014It has been a long time since I have graced my blog page. I even forgot my password it has been so long…lol. In order for me to write, I have to feel inspired somehow and it just has not happened to me lately so that is the reason for my absence. Maybe that is normal…heck, maybe I am not normal ;). Either way, I am here again wanting to fill in this blank page with the thoughts that plague my mind. So much has changed in my life….actually a lot has changed in my life.

Now that 2013 is coming to a close, we all take the time to reflect on the events of this past year and then we tend to look forward to the upcoming year. Some of us may praise the year we had, curse it, pretend it never happened, rejoice about it and even hate to see it go. I am not sure how I feel about this past year. I had given it some thought and as negative as this may sound, I cant think of one year that was more outstanding than any other. I have become a product of society….just going day to day trying to make it to the next.

As most of my connections on Facebook know, I am an open book. My momma jokes and say’s that if she wants to know something, she just goes and reads my Facebook wall. I can not argue with her on that one. If it is happening in Christian’s world, it is out there. I was thinking about that the last few days…actually the last few weeks. I share a lot with my friends, family, connections and whoever is in my life. I am not sure why it comes so easy for me to do but it does and yet for some reason, it backfires on me more times than I care to admit. It is who I am. I hold nothing back. I am as transparent as it comes…even on my dark side and we all have a dark side. We each dance to the beat of a different drum and sometimes my drum is out of rhythm but hey…originality is the best. They also  say do what makes you happy but then they turn around and judge you. I have never understood that and I am not sure I ever will. God knows I have been judged a hundred ways to Sunday. These last few weeks have really pushed me over the edge with that mentality.

For 2013, I have learned who are my true friends. I know that no matter what my life throws at me, that I can count on them for love, acceptance and support. They may not like my thoughts, opinions and sometimes they may think I am completely off base but regardless, they are still my friends and they are still here for me through hell and high water. They voice their opinions as strong as I voice mine and I love them for it. Some of them are new friends and some of them have been around since I was a kid. My point is this….I have had to learn through goodbye’s, sadness, loneliness and happiness who my friends are. It hurts but life does keep on moving.

One of the biggest events in 2013 that stands out far more than anything is the reuniting of my little family. I won’t go into great detail about that for it is not necessary. Those who are close to me and choose to be a part of my life because they love me and my kids know exactly what I am talking about. It is something I have prayed about for a long time. Many sleepless nights, going through all the emotions of anger, depression, loneliness, sadness, frustration and well, just all the highs and lows. It happens. It is life but the greatest blessing is that God was in control of how it was all going to work out. Through so much, we (meaning my kids and I) become a stronger family with a bond that nothing can break it. We are solid, we are aware that life is fragile and we are still digging our heels in. It’s just what we do and we never give up….not ever.

The next biggest thing for 2013 was my acceptance into the airline industry, earning my wings and becoming a flight attendant! It has been a rollercoaster of experiences and learning. So much more to the career than just being all dolled up when you go to work or flying from city to city, staying in hotels with all the amenities and being a jet setter. It is a real sense of responsibility of safety for others lives and there are no words to express that….at least not at the moment. All I know is after all these years of taking my lunch or just going to sit out at the observation deck to watch the planes take off and land, I have achieved one of my life dreams. It wasn’t easy and I fought a long hard road to get there from being sick, falling deathly ill and then having major surgery. I refused to let that hold me down. After I recovered, I fought twice as hard to get back in the game and it was worth it. I am still learning a lot about my new career but nothing worth having comes easy (or so I have been told). There are a few who have voiced their opinions that I should not be doing this career as a single mother…blah…blah…blah and that is exactly as to how I hear it when they start talking. I do not have to justify why I do the career I do nor do I have to answer to anyone but my creator. That is all I am going to say about that 😉

So I guess I need to be asking myself, ‘What Is Next?’. Do you ask that of yourself? I ask that every single day and I have no answers. There are many things that I would like to try and accomplish with my life but for now, I am just trying to figure out how I feel about so many things such as life, love, religion, parenting, work, family and the list goes on. It is totally overwhelming. I am not ashamed to say that while I am not unhappy, I am not happy.  Yeah, I know…it doesn’t really make sense but strangely enough, it makes sense to me. We all want to win something in our lives but all experience loss in many different forms as well. We each have to find a way to secure our own happiness. I use to know what made me happy and sometime in this past year, I lost sight of that and I have been struggling to get back ever since. I vow to make this the year that brings joy to me and the kids. I will not let anyone do anything to me that is not pleasing to me, that will not benefit my life in a positive way and I certainly will take as long as I want to make a decision about something. Maybe this all sounds selfish but I don’t think it is. I think it is me being smarter than I have ever been. Let everything and everyone go who does not serve as a positive in my life. Clarity in your own life is a good thing but knowing you got that clarity on your own is priceless.

I am looking forward to 2014 and while I have no clue where to begin with my new year journey, I am just going to do the best I can and try harder. I am going to start by taking my life apart a piece at the time reflecting on my flaws, my strengths and my weaknesses. What can I improve? Where can I make healthier choices in life? How can I make better financial decisions?  How can I make better decisions in relationships rather they are with my kids, friends, co-workers or other family members. So you see, the list is not to pick apart myself in a bad way, it is to solely find a way to heal myself and stop the habits that cause me hurt in my life. To go at them at my own pace, what works for me and not what others are trying to tell me what to do. No matter what I find about myself, I will continue to move forward and embrace the heck out of it!

What is next for you? Where will you begin, end or pick up from? Whatever your journey, I wish you much happiness in 2014!

Love, Hugs & Smiles 🙂

Christian

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