It has been so long since I last blogged. I use to love it and I find that I still do but I have been keeping my thoughts in my head lately. I tried to explain myself to someone recently and all I could say was ‘I am a kaliedescope of emotions in a hurricane’. I find this to be so true of myself the more I am trying to figure some things in my life out. Life, family, relationships, friendships, career and the list goes on and on.
Many of you know that I am a flight attendant but I am also a mom, a hairstylist and a single parent. I once had a solid five year plan and then one day that all changed. I honestly don’t know where it went to. I still have bits and pieces of it but I have ran into some obstacles along the way. So here is my question…..how do you find yourself when you get so lost in the thoughts that keep you so confused?
I am a Christian and several months back I converted from Baptist to Mormon. Go ahead…gasp, let your thoughts run wild about the myths that plague the Mormon faith. I have heard them all. I have also been told how wrong I am for converting. Lord knows I have heard every word. So why do I bring this up in my current blog? Because what I have found in the past several months is that I have done a lot of what pleases everyone else and not enough of what pleases my Father in Heaven. Actually, while I know the right and wrong of life, what I have not been able to find in the last several months is where I belong. What church do I go to? Where do I engage in a community of Christ centered people? I have strongly disliked this struggle inside of me. One day I blow it off as if to almost ignore the feelings I have and some days I sit down and cry out to God to please show me where He wants me to be. Sounds a bit wishy-washy huh? Yeah, I use to think I was a basket case some days. What I learned was I wasn’t wishy-washy at all. I was in a spiritual warfare between God and Satan. Now, for non believers that is jibber jabber but for believers, we know this is to be true.
It brings me to this and this is where I get real, raw and honest so if you can’t handle that from me, then I suggest you stop reading. My life has pretty much been a life of ups and downs, roller coaster of emotions, failed relationships, bad decisions and financial mistakes that have caused my family great suffering. I have been the reason for the suffering because of my mistakes that I made and my children had to feel the brunt of those. It stinks. It breaks my heart but there were times I was doing the best I could with what I had and some times it was just pure stupidity on my part. We live and we learn. I can’t live in the past because if I do, I will never be able to move forward but I must tell you that I am still paying for the mistakes I have made. Not by God’s hand but my the way of how things on this earth work…know what I mean?
I have some bad habits that I know God is not happy about. Every single day I can find some way that I have sinned and some days, it is as if I am a flashing Vegas sign for sin. So why do I share this with whoever is reading this? I really don’t know. Blogging is how I help myself through some very dark times. It is when I am at my weakest some times and I can share my own personal struggle, testimony, weaknesses…whatever or however you would like to label them. Again, I am transparent and I am an open book. I don’t need anyone to ask around for questions about me or who I am. If you want to know, ask me directly. I will freely tell you because while I am still a mess on the inside most days, I am a still a child of God who I do know is loved. I am just a bit shaken on the inside and I do not know how to channel what I am feeling with all my confusion sometimes. I want so much in life and I have all these thoughts, dreams and things I want to do better for my family. When I am not successful at those things, I get so mad. I get really mad.
Being a flight attendant was all I wanted for a long time. So was being a hairstylist but above any of that, I am a mother to three amazing and beautiful children. They have grown so fast. They have been through so much. They certainly have not deserved to feel the brunt of some of the mistakes I have made along the way yet they are some of the most loving and caring teenagers I know. Yes, they are all different in their ways. I realized this weekend that because of the diverse way they have been brought up, they each see life differently but yet with deep within them, they love unconditionally.
I have been so conflicted lately with being a flight attendant and having to be away from home. I want to be with my kids more because they are not getting any younger and growing up way too fast. I also am trying to open a salon at a new location and honestly, I am bogged down with decisions, doing the right thing and finding peace with the decisions I am making. I LOVE flying and it will and can give my children opportunities I have never been able to give them. It provides a stable income, health insurance and retirement funds…something I have never had before in my life but there comes a price with that and its being away from home because of the nature of my job. I am struggling with that very much.
To tie this all together with where I am in life, here it is….I am a mass of confusion right now. I have been leaning more and more on God to guide me. What faith am I practicing right now? I don’t know. There are aspects of the Mormon faith that keeps me drawn to it closely and yet there are things about how I was brought up that keep me on the fence as well. What I can say is that I am my own person and I will follow my heart as I continue to seek out God’s word. I know some may not agree with me but I am following the way my Father in Heaven is leading me and if that happens to be Mormon than so be it. If it happens to be any other religion than so be that as well but it is my relationship with Him…not my relationship with Him and the world. It is He and I. I say that with love. I really do. Some days I just want to walk away from it all but I know in my heart that God has a plan for me. I am just so angry at times that I cant see it enough to TOTALLY give it ALL to Him. I do know that each day I am asking God for a sign to show me where He wants me to be, where He wants to guide me and I have to rely on that to see me through this dark time in my life. All I want is to provide for my family and as a single parent, that is sometimes hard because every single decision falls on my shoulders and honestly, I have not had the best track record for making the best decisions. I can say that in the last year, I have done much better than in the past several years.
Listen, if you are struggling with where you are to be, who you are to be and with life just know that God is real. He loves us for who we are and if you allow Him in your life, He will change you, mold you to the person He created you to be. Letting go and allowing Him to do that is the hardest part of it all. I am there now and I don’t know how long it will take me but I hope that it doesn’t take me too long. Please, if you are a praying person then I request that you add me and my family to your prayer list. Thank you for taking the time to read my latest blog post. Maybe it will bring some hope to someone else who is feeling lost and searching as well.
Peace, Love, Hugs 🙂