If you have taken the time to read this current blog, I want to thank you for stopping by. It has been six months since I have sat down to put the thoughts that plague my mind, to any type of format. As you read, I hope you find some type of inspiration, motivation, reasoning or even some answers you may have about who I am. Either way, this is my outlet…my way to channel the things that I feel strongly about and sometimes, the things I just want to ramble on about. We Gemini gals seem to do that fairly often! If you go back and read some of my old blogs you will learn a lot about me. I am different from a lot of people and I see things different from most.
This has been one roller coaster of a year. As a flight attendant in my second year with my company, I have suffered through a lot of issues with my ears. Our career and our health go hand in hand and our ears are no different. It takes even a small sickness to keep you grounded from flying. Bottom line for me, I can’t do my job without the use of tubes in my ears. Some ask me why I stay in the industry if this is the circumstances for me. I love what I do and it’s really not like work…especially when you love what you do. They just don’t understand.
This past year, my son graduated high school, my daughter entered her senior year and my youngest became homeschooled which means I become her teacher. Gracious, God help her. I can’t begin to tell you how much all these transitions in their lives make me feel so proud of who they are. Just like any other young adult and teenagers, they still face things that they have to learn, understand and figure out as they enter the future of being adults. I am learning an entire new level of patience and understanding as a mom. At their ages, according to them, I don’t know too much. Yeah, ummm okay. I am not complaining at all for I love seeing my children become independent and discovering who they are. I cry sometimes because they have grown up so fast but these are good tears. Tears of happiness for them, tears of joy, for they are going to have some beautiful journeys along the way. I have done all I can to teach them that life is full of adventure and it’s the memories of travel, discovering new cultures, discovering yourself that really make the moments count. My wish for them is that they never stop seeking these things in life, to love unconditionally and to always know that no matter what, mama has a place for them at home.
Along with all these transitions, I have tried to find my own discoveries. Sometimes I feel as if I have failed miserably, others I feel I just realized what was for me and what wasn’t. My outlook on life is pretty positive. I have been through a lot of things that I would never wish on anyone. I have had people tell me how much they love me and turn their backs on me or walk away from me. Those things hurt and they hurt in a really big way. One would think that by now, I would be a have a heart of ice or be anti-sociable but that isn’t me. If I were to be that way, then I have only given those who have hurt me and wronged me the power over me. That is no way to live because in some weird way, you are really punishing yourself if you allow that. People will hurt me. I have accepted that. I will hurt for a while in my own way, feeling it deep inside and some days I will be hurting so badly that I will tell you and other days, I will be hurting so much but I will be smiling and acting like nothing is wrong. I guess that is how I deal with moving on and realizing that I am more valuable than giving in to a life of hurt.
Being a flight attendant has doubled the loneliness factor in my life. Again, this is something I can not explain to you when you don’t have this career. It is not a knock on those who are not part of this lifestyle but it is a reality that we deal with all the time. We conflict with two worlds. The one where we whisk away city to city, staying busy, meeting total strangers who become part of who we are because for a short while, they are our responsibility and then there is the one where our reality is our home and what goes on in it. When we fly, we don’t forget what is going on at home (at least for me, I do not) but we are so focused and so busy at work that we don’t have much time to deal with too much until we get to the hotel. That is when I make my calls home and I also home school from a distance. It is not easy but it is possible. Being in the industry is like a bad drug that gets in your system and there is no cure for it. Yes we make fun of things, we joke about some of the stuff we see and experience but that is our own way of how we deal with the lifestyle that no else can understand.
As I head into the New Year, I have never been one to make those resolutions for life change. I just don’t believe in them. I feel if I need to make a change, then I do it when I am ready…not on a certain date because some holiday says so. My decisions, my mind, my thoughts, my goals and my aspirations in life change all the time. It’s a blessing and a curse at the same time. I don’t focus on a new year, new me mentality. I am focused on what can I do to make my life better all the time. My mind and my thoughts run so fast in my head that I can barely keep up with myself. There are things I long for in this life of mine but often reality sets in or I am pushed ten steps back (some feel like a hundred). It is then that I try harder, the thoughts in my head go into overload with questions of how can I pull out of whatever situation I am in. Some days I can get so sad and frustrated with life but things happen. I get to the point where I am really not sure of which direction to go but thank goodness for some of the friends in my life who are right there to either give me a swift kick or just a hug to say, ‘I am here for you’.
I am a true kaleidoscope of many things in this world. I wish I knew how to explain myself sometimes but then why would I even do that? The right people who know me and take the time to know me understand me without me saying a word. If I have to explain myself, it becomes exhausting and I quickly realize that I just can’t connect with that person. Listen, life is just crazy. It really is. I look at my family dynamics and how it is spread all over the place, I look at the people around me and how their lives are but what I notice about all of us is that we are all a little crazy, we all want love, we all want to be accepted and I am no different. You know what my BIGGEST weakness is? I love way too much. Yep. I sure do. I bet you couldn’t guess that huh? So yeah with that, I get hurt fairly often. Couldn’t guess that one either? You would think I would learn but I have my flaws. One day, someone is going to come along in my life who will feel that I am worth spending time with, who’s intentions are true, who will be a compliment to my life and mine to theirs. Until then, I choose to just be me, enjoy my life, smile, shine in my personality and really take the time to stay true to myself. I am not a perfectionist in my life but I am aware of who I am, what I want, where I need to be and how I need to get there. It gets messed up at times but the most important thing is that I don’t give up. I have loved, I have lost, I have forgave, been forgiven and I have learned how to be okay with not being okay.
I have a tattoo on my right leg. It sits perfectly in the middle on the side of my calf. It is fairly large for I knew it would be the only one I ever got so it had to be good. It is a butterfly, a very colorful butterfly who is carrying a woman who is holding a scarf in her hand and it shows her ‘letting it go’. Every single day I look at my tattoo and I remember what it stands for. It is my reminder of all the things that have happened to me in my life. Each time I look at it, I am reminded that the butterfly is carrying me to a new journey each time and each time I am letting go of something so that I may go to better places in my journey. Letting go and moving on is a powerful thing.
If you are at a place where you are not sure who you are, what you want or where you are even heading then I encourage you to not give up! Life is hard sometimes and it really sucks if you can’t seem to find your way. While you are screaming underneath yet on the surface you are so calm and collected…I still tell you to not give up! Those are the days you will prevail and find a path. It may not seem like it at the time but if you just keep focused on what you want, what makes you happy and what contributes to your life in a positive way then please, keep pushing for that. The only regret you will have is the one where you didn’t keep trying.
May you all have a blessed New Year and whatever way you celebrate this holiday, please make sure to stay true to yourself in your journey wherever it may take you.
Peace, Love & Hugs 🙂