Life. It is a complexity that we all try to understand. Most day’s I find it best to just let it flow as it may and some day’s I find myself digging a little more in-depth. Today, I found myself doing just that very thing..digging. It wasn’t on my agenda for today but it sure presented itself.
What am I digging for you ask? Answer’s to question’s that I may never find and I may never have any understanding. To me, that scares me because as we are all programmed to want answer’s, we don’t always get them. So, who do I turn to for these answer’s? I turn to God. This doesn’t just end there because what if you are angry with God? Yes, I said angry.
Is this acceptable to be angry at God?! Who get’s angry at our Creator, our Maker of the Heaven’s and Earth? I will be the first to admit that I do. I have survived the loss of a baby, a rape, a failed marriage (two of them) and one of those was so abusive that there were times I was not sure I was going to survive. I have struggled with my relationship with God, trying to understand so much and I have searched for Him in everything that I have been through. When I was so sick and skirting with death I really didn’t know what my purpose was in this world anymore. All I knew is that I wanted to live for my children..the true loves of my life. I was scared, alone and I begged for His grace and mercy. Just as any loving Father would, He carried me every step of the way. Let’s fast forward through the years. Trust me, it gets complicated and I will leave it there.
So again, who can be angry at God? Every one of us. I think it is very acceptable, very common and very natural. Just as children have a natural rebellion against parents, we also have one against our Father In Heaven. Not intentional but yet we feel justified in some way. Now, God isn’t angry at us because we are angry at Him. It doesn’t work like that. He is loving us through the messes we make of our lives, the days we despise anything to do with church, God, love and so on. I have had to learn that the hard way. I am sure you have to and if you don’t know that then congratulations…I just taught you something new 😉 . What I do know for certain is that we ALL have a choice to come to Him….if we choose to. That is really hard some days. Don’t you agree?? We sure are some stubborn people at times. Especially when it comes to feeling like we don’t have any control if we surrender our faith to God.
Staying in that anger zone for too long can and will destroy you on the inside…I know this as well. What do we do with it at this point? We go to God in prayer. You don’t like to pray? Not sure what to say? How to start? That is okay…half the time, I don’t either. The only instruction I can give you is to just get on your knees and begin talking to God as if you were talking to a best friend. Or just sit where you are rather it is your car, your man cave, your living room, your work cubicle, the salon, pumping gas, get my point?! It does not matter where or how!! He just wants to hear us, He wants to hear our prayers, our cries out to Him.
Today proved me to be angry at God again…for reason’s that are personal but nonetheless..they are very real to me tonight. Not sure what to do with it to be honest. I have cried throughout the day today, no sleep last night, feeling like I am losing the ground that I had thought I had covered so well. Funny thing is, I missed a lot of ground. The beauty of that is how He hasn’t left me, even when I have decided that my own path is much more fun, easier and better. The joke is on me, rubbed in like tanning lotion on a hot summer day. Nice to have those reminders huh? Yeah, I know.
All that advice I just wrote about? Yeah, I am trying to listen to that myself as far as that goes . No, I am not a hypocrite by any means. I am far from that! I am real, I am honest, I am genuine and I am human. I am also a very smart woman who can see when I am falling from God but it is usually when I hear the voice of reasoning and truth whispering in my ear. Sometimes I think I need a slap up side the head but we all know that God doesn’t work that way either (That is what best friends are for 😉 ). Instead, we just have to find our quiet place in hopes of regrouping. Easier said than done. As much as I love God, as much as I know Christ died on the cross for my sins, I am so torn this evening. A part of me wants to scream, another part wants to fall at the cross and cry and another part wants to just walk away. It is a kaleidoscope of emotions. It is pure craziness how the complexities of life can do that to you so fast that your head spins.
So yeah, today has been a little emotional for me. Most of you know that I am a strong person, that I hold it pretty well and I firmly push forward with full steam. I have run out of steam for right now. I need to refuel, I need to regroup.I won’t stay here for long. Heck, I may wake up tomorrow morning and feel the presence of a new day dawning on my life. A new direction. A new perspective. Who know’s?! All I know is that my heart loves beyond anything any man on this earth can comprehend or understand. As much as I love like that, I still find it hard to fathom how Jesus loves me like that. This is real stuff and this spiritual warfare within us will always be there because that is how it is written. Even when I am not holding onto Him, He is holding onto me.
What are you holding onto? What choices will you make that define you, that show who your heart beats for? I don’t care who you are, I don’t care what your past or your present situation is. None of that matters when you are seeking answer’s from God. He just wants to hear you. What I do care about is that the people whom I love and care for know that God’s love is unconditional.
I am always a work in progress (and so are you) but I am proud to be a Christian. Yes, I am complex in my spiritual walk with my salvation and many days I am scared of what is around the corner. Today, I have been angry with God. I am not still sitting in that place fully but I am slowly seeking Him to pull myself out of it. I am not like most women of society. I march to the beat of my own drum and I am truly a gem if you get to know me. I will be real with you even if it hurts because no one wants to be mislead or feel betrayed by words. My faith is the one thing that has kept me going, that has guided my moral compass in this life. While it hasn’t always been easy, I know that I can do nothing without Christ…angry or not. The only thing that I know for sure, is that I need to be still and know that He is God.
Peace, Love & Hugs xoxo