It has been eighteen days since my last blog post. I would like to say my life has been busy but it’s really been full of up’s and down’s…more than I care to admit. It is a quiet Wednesday morning here in my little farm house. I sit here, still in my pajamas, candles are lit throughout the house and outside is rainy with a morning fog that makes me feel like I am back in Europe. As I reflect on my recent move back to my hometown, I have come to terms that my expectations of moving home were not as great as I had hoped. As a matter of fact, they have been far from being close.
What happened? Where did I miss the mark? Why can’t I seem to embrace this move? Why am I not gaining what I am seeking? Why…why….why has been plaguing my mind over and over. I begin to slip in my journey of positive attitude, self motivation and most of all, my spiritual growth. I begin to resent my own decisions, to doubt my choices and then I begin to not like myself very much. I know, you are thinking “What in the world Christian? You are always so positive”. I hear that all the time but you know, I am human too. Yesterday as I was trying to explain something to a lady at my insurance company (a total stranger) she said to me, ‘That is just life. We have all been there!’. Really? I wanted to reach through my phone and smack her. I was so furious that she felt she could say that to me…she knows nothing about me. She knows nothing about where I have been. She had nerve and I was thinking, ‘She better be glad she is on the other side of this phone right now’. Ohh how she really got under my skin with that comment but it sure made me think. So this is what I come up with as far as what has happened ….life, reality, self pity, anger, frustration, lack of understanding but longing for it and then the hardest one hit me. I took my eyes off of God. For someone like me, that can be detrimental to me. I am not sure how to explain it and maybe one day I can but for now, I just know I need Him more than anything.
In less than sixty days, I have made a major move with my kids, missing my friends from the city, I have been grounded from flying due to medical, I am trying to start up my salon in this small town, I am now sick again with what has put me in the hospital so many times before, a death in the family, I have cried for the city I use to live in (I do miss it a lot) and I have uncovered truths that have had me in tears but I am Christian…a strong woman who can handle it all. Right? No. Not this time. It wore me down. It beat me to the ground and I could not see clearly, I couldn’t think clearly, I felt numb, I felt alone and I felt like nothing I was doing had purpose anymore and I zoned out a lot.
I yearned for peace and I needed to search it out. You see, none of us are free from the feelings I have had. The lady who I was so angry at, who wanted to tell me that ‘That is just life. We have all been there.’…well she is right. It is life. We have all been there but we have all been there on different journey’s. So what do you do to find your way back? I don’t really know how to answer that. I know that in the midst of these trials I treat God like a yo-yo. It goes something like this — I need Him..no, I am good so I sort of push Him away. Nope, I need Him again but this time He better work quick and when it’s not quick enough for me, I push Him away again and try to do it myself. When that doesn’t work out well for me, I pull Him back in. Seriously folks…that is exhausting and it gets me nowhere. That is my reality and I know He knows this with me. It’s God so ummm yeah, you can’t hide that from Him. He knows what I am doing, He knows what I am thinking. How amazing it is that He doesn’t leave us though. He showed me last night that He has a purpose for me here if I just try to relax and let HIM work in my life and for me to stop resisting so much. It wasn’t a big revelation but it was something powerful my dad said to me in conversation. I would love to share it but it was personal and it is something I want to keep close to my heart. What matters is that I was once again brought back to this place. A place where I learn from my own trials, struggles and daily life situations.
So yes, my expectations of what I wanted when I moved here has failed me in the first sixty days. Does that mean I give up? No. It means that I regroup and I regroup over and over and over again if that is what it takes. I do feel like a stranger in my hometown. I am different and most days I don’t feel like I will ever fit in here but then again, it has only been two months. I wish I knew how to even begin to express that but this is where I lean on God to show me what HE wants me to see, what HE wants me to understand, what HE wants me to share with others. After all, it has been close to twenty-six years now since I have lived here. Some things have changed, some have not and there is obviously a purpose for me here. Is it easy? Certainly not and that was my first mistake..thinking it would be easy for me because after all, I am a flight attendant and I am trained to react at a seconds notice, to change up and keep going but not this time. Not this situation I am in. It takes time, nurturing, understanding, patience, support, love and staying in prayer and sometimes that is just hard to do.
I want a second chance at all this. I want to see people the way God see’s them. I want to see myself as God see’s me. I know in my heart that I can make a difference here…it burns in me like an erupting volcano. God has done some pretty amazing things in my life but I have raised my expectations beyond my own comprehension and He is showing me that in HIS time, will I come to see the things that He has brought me home for. I know that He loves me just like I am, at this very moment, in this very state of mind…just as He loves you too. I have started a 22 day challenge on the I Am Second website. If you don’t know it, then I encourage you to go to this link http://www.iamsecond.com and check it out. It talks about everything from addiction, abuse, pornography, death, cancer, divorce, abortion…it’s all there. Some of the most famous people who you thought would not be there talking about their personal journey with God, are there sharing it all in a short video of their testimony. I really encourage you to go check it out. He is first, I am second.
Peace, Love & Happiness