If you were to ask me how my start to 2016 is going, I would probably say some not nice things at this point in my life. Not in an intentional way but with the words I truly want to say that are raging underneath me but I choose to keep it classy, smile and say ‘OK’.
The truth is its just shitty and that is putting it pretty nicely. What’s that? I just cursed on my blog? Yes. Yes I did because after all, the purpose of my blog is to take what I am feeling on the inside and put it to words. To be real, raw and exposed. To share so that people see that everyone has those euphoric highs in life and then we have the lows that drag you for days, months and even longer. So here I am, on this day and I am so over so much.
Since my move back to my hometown, it seems that everything I have tried to do has turned to crap. Nothing has worked how I wanted it to go. What am I doing so wrong? Why am I feeling that God has sort of forgotten about me down here? Can He not see how frustrated I am at the circumstances that keep hitting me? I can barely get on my knees before something else comes along and knocks me down. I am growing very tired of it. Really quick.
Don’t get me wrong, I am use to being alone in my life and handling things as they come. I have known and tasted the loneliness like it is poison being poured in my mouth. It molds you to be okay with the loneliness in some weird, twisted way. I will go so far as to say that it is almost a comfort zone. Then there is the side of me who hates it, who despises the way I have been conditioned to this life. There is no explanation, no feeling that can be described…it just is.
Part of me wants to pack my stuff up and go back to Raleigh, the other part of me wants to sit here in my cute, little farm house that I love so much and stay away from people. The other part of me is missing flying because God knows I need some diversity, Uber and Starbucks in my life and oh yeah… a paycheck would be nice too. My dreams and plans for my salon will be pushed back by at least a couple of months now due to unforeseen circumstances such as my recent car accident, the push back of my ear surgery and other life events. I am beginning to feel like Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events!
I certainly do not have the closeness of my friends here that I had in Raleigh. Meeting up for downtown events, lunch with my girlfriends, late night movies, being ten minutes from the mall and having five different malls within twenty minutes of me, having conversations with people who know my music and the one place I miss the most, is Lake Lynn. It is where I lost my thoughts to the wind, listened to my tunes and got lost in the beautiful nature of the lake. It was truly my favorite place to go in Raleigh. Oh, I have made some friends here and they have been so good to me. It is still a new friendship and they are very loving, kind, helpful and understanding but in my mind, it is still not Raleigh. I don’t know if I will ever get use to things now but I am trying.
I wake up, I have my breakfast and my coffee and then I try to sort through the thoughts in my head because right now they are pretty heavy. I know it appears as if I despise my hometown and that is not the case so don’t read this and run off on a tangent that I dislike my hometown. It is just different for me. The truth of the matter is that I am confused if I belong here or not. I mean the way things have been going, they have all been going against me. I feel like Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama. The story of a small town Alabama girl who leaves after high school and moves to New York, becomes a fashion designer, finds love, gets engaged but then she needs to return back to her small, southern, Alabama town to sever ties with her past so she can move on but once she is home, it begins to tug on her heartstrings. Granted, I had no love in the city whom I need to sever my past for so that theory is out the door. One of the lines in the movie is ‘My life in New York works, Jake. But then I come down here… and this fits too.’. That is how I feel about Raleigh. No, it is not a big city compared to New York but it worked for me in some ways. It was my home for 12 years and it was where I learned a lot about myself. So then I come home and this works in some ways as well. I can not find the balance of this new stage in my life and I am struggling immensely.
What now? Where do I take all this and try to make sense of it all or do I even bother? Do we always need to justify, to pick apart, to analyze and understand? At this stage in my situation, I am done trying as hard as I have. I am not mad, I am not even angry but I am needing to rest my mind….to place a buffer between myself and the world. Things are exactly what they are and as bad as I want to change some things, I have no control over them right now. I will take each day as it comes and if it seems nonchalant that I don’t care, then it would be an unfair observation. I am simply tired. I will not stress myself trying to force something that is not ready to happen. I have gone deep into a self preservation mode at this time and it is simply necessary.
I don’t see any of this as I have failed at anything. I see it as I am wise enough to step back, take a look at my own short comings and find the solution to what I need to move forward. It takes great strength to figure these things out in life but never mistake them for giving up and quitting. I am a fighter, a survivor and I will get through this. It just takes time.
Peace, Love & Hugs