The Sun Will Set To Rise

It’s been way too long since I have paid any attention to my blog. My thoughts have been lingering for some time but they have been very jumbled up lately. New seasons of the year seem to bring new seasons in our lives, at least for me it does. As all of my blogs in the past have been about my life, my thoughts and how I deal with anything and everything, this one is no different other than it may be a little more raw than the others.
In five, short months (which have seemed like an eternity for me), a lot has changed in my life. For someone like me who has a gypsy soul, a wanderlust heart and a mind that is constantly on the go at 90 mph, I really have not dealt with these changes very well. Honestly, they truly suck and they have almost sucked the life out of me but it’s time I find some peace. Since January we made a major move, I was grounded from flying, lost over eighty percent of my income due to being on the ground and all this while in the midst of opening a small hair salon. The sting of that hurt really bad. I was set back so far that I couldn’t see ten feet in front of me and I am still struggling to pull myself back up. I also had ear surgery to repair a hole in my ear drum and remove the tubes, I had a car accident, battled to keep my health insurance (which is now suspended until I am cleared to go back to flying), had a recent fall off my porch that gave me a sprained foot and some bruises but hey…guess what? I am still here. I have not raised the white flag just yet.
I can not say that I have been very happy since I moved to the foothills of North Carolina. The reality is this is just a different world up here and to someone like me who enjoys the city life, it is very difficult. I won’t go into the intricate details of life here but it’s very different for us. We just don’t really seem to fit in here and if you are an outsider coming here, oh they make it really hard for you. It is almost as if they are scared to get to know you, to learn something new. It is certainly very slow (and I mean slow) paced life here.  I meet a lot of people who have never been on a plane, despise city traffic, never used public transit, don’t know what UBER is or have never understood the feeling of being ‘lost’ in the city. It is a cultural difference. No diversity at all. Oh, how I miss diversity. There truly is nothing to do around here. At least not what we are used to doing. Sounds like I am bashing the people here? No, I am making a simple observation. I’ve been gone for twenty-six years and been exposed to a lot of experiences. Some have never left the area. There are some good people here but the reality is that it’s a cultural barrier. Simple as that.
There is a positive to this move though. I am closer to my mom. I enjoy seeing her and spending time with her. She is only the second person in my family, outside of my kids, who really knows me. I can not say that I have a very good relationship with the rest of the family. I am trying. I could spend a lifetime trying to explain the barrier between me and the rest of my family but the reality is that while I moved here to build bridges with them, it is so far a failed attempt and I am mentally exhausted of trying. I have unconditional love for them but I also have my own self protection, boundaries and self-worth to not be hurt anymore. So, I am moving on with or without them. Family is not always blood. Hard lesson but a beautiful blessing in some weird, universal way.  I know I am different but I am a good different, a gentle soul different, a compassionate different and just a cool kind of different. I think, feel and see more deeply than most people. Some days I get it all wrong, some days I get it all right and some days I haven’t a clue.
Since my move, I have become very close to two, lovely people who are the most Godly people I know. They treat me like a daughter and they accept me as I am…harships, flaws, tears, happiness…all of it. Looking back, I can’t particularly place the time of how we all come together. It just sort of happened. He has cancer, she has heart disease. I have fallen in love with them, with their unconditional hearts, their strength, courage and love for God. I thought I had been through some stuff but man, they have too and what amazing faith they have through it all. I learn a lot from them. They are part of what keeps me here as well. I have grown so close to them that I can not bare to leave them. I love being of service to them and their family. In the short time that I have known them, I have grown to love and know them both personally, spiritually and what a true servant of God they both are. He was recently told there isn’t much more they can do for his cancer. He needs a miracle. Healing. Prayers. When I was told, I come home and I cried. My heart ached so much. I could almost feel it breaking. I felt such sadness. He seems happy when I come around and he truly treats me like a daughter he’s never had. As for her…well she and I are like Ninny Threadgood and Evelyn Couch from Fried Green Tomatoes…lol. Two women who have stories, a life of craziness to share, to talk about and laugh at it all. Sometimes we shed tears together too. I love her like a second mom. She is caring, compassionate and she makes me laugh. She is my friend. He is my friend. They both have my heart. I love their family. I am in love with their family. They have won my heart in ways that I can not explain and I can not see myself leaving them. I need them and they need me.
So here I am in this small town, trying to find my way. I am not sure if I ever will but I think I will just sort of cruise along for now. I am grieving for my uniform. I am grieving for flying. I want to get back up there. I am not the same without it. I cry for it, I long for it and I live vicariously through my airline families post, photos and stories. When you love something like I love flying, being a flight attendant, this time on the ground drives you insane. Time though. It all takes time and for some reason, for the first season in my life, I am afraid of time. Afraid that it is all taking too long yet I am trying to embrace the time I am given. To cipher out all that is going on in my head, in my life and that surrounds me. Most days I just shut it all out. Lately, I am just shy of a major shut down.
As I sit here on this screened in porch, a gentle breeze blowing, it is late afternoon and I am still in my pajamas. It’s not laziness or a lack of motivation. I’m just not in any hurry today and that is okay. The kids are all gone for the summer and working summer jobs. I am lonely. I am not used to them being away from me like I know they will be for the summer. I missed them before they ever left. They are my world, my everything but I am embracing this time to make the most of my options, opportunities and detox my life from anything that does not make me feel happiness or bring joy to my life. Nothing is off-limits for me making these decisions in my life right now. There is power in controlling your own life this way. So I sit here being reminded of the simple things in life. The things that we should really reflect on. Yes, I miss the city and I love being able to get lost in the sights and sounds, being just another face in the crowd. It’s easier that way. I am commencing on a new segment of my life. I don’t really know what it looks like but I know in my heart that it’s up to me to make my life what I want it to be.
Peace, Love & Hugs
Christian ♥