It’s been awhile since my last blog post. So much has transitioned in my life lately. I’m not sure where to begin but allow me to get started.
Currently, as I begin to write this, I am deadheading with my crew from Canada back to the states. This means the airline is repositioning us to go operate another aircraft. We sit in seats just like the passengers but we are still technically working and able to assist the actual working crew if the need should arise. Now that I have that explained and out of the way, let me continue. As I look out my window, I am always in awe at the amazing beauty of God’s creations. We have a lot to be thankful for. I believe we just get selfish and take things for granted without realizing it. Family, your job, nature, the tender moments God gives us and so much more.
In the early morning hours of 25 September 2016, I was awakened by a phone call from my mom. It was the most tragic and heartbreaking news I have ever received. My nephew, Matthew was tragically taken from us in a traffic accident. I was numb. I was mad. I screamed and screamed more. Security come to my hotel room. I sat on the floor in a corner for a few hours before I could even move. I was on a four-day trip and it was one of my biggest fears, that something would happen to my family while I am out there flying. That fear come true. I was a mess. Many questions but mostly, “Is this really happening? Someone please wake me up!” Reality begin to set in. My airline booked me on the first flight back to Charlotte, NC and I begin to make the journey home. I felt sick. Powerless. Weak. It was more than I could take. All I could think about was how can my family survive this. Much less, my sister and her family. My heart was shattered. For everyone.
In the following days I felt more alone than ever before. I had to get back to work and my first trip back was the day after my nephews funeral. It was hard to go back because I felt like I was deserting my own family but there was a need to be close to my nephew and I had no more time to take since I had recently come off a six month medical leave. Up there, when I fly, it’s like I am as close to him as I can possibly get. It’s no secret that I am not close to my siblings and while it tears me up on the inside, I have decided to leave it to God. I pray and I pray some more…..even when I’m not really sure what I need to be praying for. The way I try to deal with this tragedy, is that I visit his resting place weekly. It comforts me to talk to him, to share with him my heart and how much I miss him.
With his death came a great need in my life to be closer to my kids. As some of my closest friends know, I am already close to my kids but I needed more. More quality time, more tender moments that didn’t require anything but love and time. I was so angry with God about so much but then one morning I woke up and knew I needed Him so badly. My children needed Him. My entire family needed Him. I begin to pray. To seek guidance and even reached out to a couple of friends whom I knew would join me in praying for us. All I wanted was for understanding, comfort and answers. I don’t really have any of those just yet but I am working on seeking them. The biggest question that is constantly plaguing my mind is why does it take death for us to realize how precious life is? What wires us to take things for granted like we do? I find that it makes me sad to know we have to experience the pain to find the beauty. So what next you ask? I pray. I just pray.
When you begin to pray and ask God for change, you need to be ready for what you ask for. Not in a negative way, but in a way that prepares you to move your heart in a direction that is sometimes not comfortable yet it is comfortable…we just don’t know it yet. Let’s face it, as much as we all like to believe we can adapt to change, we really can’t and especially when God is giving you direction.
As a flight attendant, it is my job to do a safety demonstration for the safety equipment on board our aircraft. In the event of an evacuation, this is very important information for you to know. I am amazed at how many people take that for granted. As I was thinking about passengers who don’t pay attention to me as I give the safety demo, we treat God the same way as He is freely giving us safety information for when we need to evacuate the chains of life that keep us from knowing Him. How frustrating it is for me because I am doing this for your own good but yet as I still stand there doing what I know is right, knowing you aren’t paying attention to what is good for you, God is the same way! He is still there every single time. Giving you the same safety you need in life! He never fails, He doesn’t lead you astray and He never gives up. Yet we are selfish and we want to give more attention to our electronic devises, talk to someone else, go to sleep, stare blankly out the window or read a book. So just as I keep showing the safety demo regardless of who is paying attention and who isn’t, God keeps showing us as well.
In the last 45 days I lost my nephew, I closed the salon that I thought I wanted and I begin to cut people out of my life who I felt kept me from having a relationship with God. The closing of my salon was a relief. I don’t have words for it but it felt like the right thing to do. It burdened my heart more than it made it happy. Since my move to my birthplace, it just hasn’t ever felt right. It felt empty. The timing wasn’t right but I pushed something that God kept telling me not to do but I couldn’t see the signs. I couldn’t be still long enough to hear HIS voice. I wanted to go with my own thoughts and my own decisions. Looking back, I was blind to the warnings. Moving forward, with the decision to close my barely opened salon, I had to trust that God had something better for me and my kids.
Fast forward to now and I’m in a different place. Again. Sometimes I find that mentally exhausting but after all the trials of my forty-four years of this life, I just roll with it. I get confused, a little mixed up but I really never lose my faith. I push it to the side and I play around with it like a yo-yo but oh how beautiful that even in our own self-pity, not even God walks away from us. He loves us and takes us as we are at that exact moment.I’m grateful for that.
Recently it has been on my heart heavily, to make some changes for the sake of my family. I always heard that life can be taken from you at any moment but naturally I felt somewhat immune to that. Not very logical thinking on my part. None of us are promised tomorrow. I have experienced that with the loss of my nephew. I long for that one more hug, to say ‘I love you buddy’ or just to hear his voice. You can’t get those moments back no matter how much it hurts, no matter how many tears you cry. You have to accept that. It’s hard. It’s really hard.
In the coming weeks my kids and I will be making some changes to our lives. All for the better of course. The girls and I have not lived in the same town as my son for nearly seven years. That’s a long time when I consider he is 21, my daughter is 19 and my baby is almost 17. Time is not waiting for any of us and I want to be close to my son again. I want to see him at my dinner table more often, to have lunch with him without having to drive three hours. I want him and his siblings to be closer, to strengthen the bond of our little family. I am looking forward to this new yet old path we are going to be on. Together we will overcome the obstacles that have been in our way. They are my world and they are what keeps me going on a daily basis.
Some days I feel guilty for still having all of my children here while my sister has to live without her son. I don’t want any of us to have to live without our children. No mother should have to bury their child. It breaks my heart so badly but I don’t know what to do, what to say or how to even act. Sadly, for me…I just stay away. I feel like I am not able to communicate with her what I feel but I can promise you, it is an empty feeling of sadness and heartbreak that I can not explain to you. At the end of the day, nothing is sweeter than family. I pray more for my family now than I ever have before. As each day comes to us, every new dawn offers us another chance. I won’t let this one slip by.
What is holding you back from paying attention to what God has for you? I encourage you to seek Him and ask Him to reveal Himself to you. It’s hard and it’s not easy. As a matter of fact, it’s one of the most difficult things to do but I can promise you that if you just allow Him to lead you (allow and lead are key words here) then He will make you new, He will give you more blessings than ever before.
I leave you with a special video I made for my three, beautiful children.
Peace, Love & Hugs