We all do it for different reasons. The purpose of holding on is to retain or gain more of something that we feel we need in our lives. The important factor, which is crucial to your well-being, is to decide when to let go.
It has been one year and two months since I moved from Raleigh, NC to a small, western town in the foothills of NC. Part of my original roots, I guess is fair to say. It is where I was born and my parents raised me. Everyone knew each other and it was an environment filled with clicks. I hated it. I did everything I could to stay away from that. My graduating class had around 77 people (I think) but I can’t remember. I spent more time chasing my own agenda than paying attention to school. It’s been too long since my high school days and I just don’t care to revisit them. In case you didn’t read between the lines, I despised my high school days. I loathed them as a matter of fact. Anyway. Moving along…
Here I am, 27 years later and where oh where do I find myself? Right back to where I started all those years ago. If you have read my blogs in the past, you will know that I mentioned a lot about how God called me home and I can’t figure out why. One year and two months later, I still don’t know why I am here but I am here longer than anyone thought I would stay. Even longer than I gave myself. Don’t get too comfortable because I do have an escape plan. I just have to be patient. I am not good at that. Patience that is.
TREE OF DETERMINATION
Recently I was looking at some photo’s that I had on my phone. One album in particular was the day I spent with my son on the NC coast. It is still one of my favorite memories because I don’t get to see him on a daily basis and I get sad about that so I cherish my time with him. As we did some exploring along the coastal banks, we followed a path that led us to an old mailbox. Inside was a notebook that was torn, tattered and worn by the changes of weather over time. Even with the condition of that notebook, wanderers still left their thoughts on the pages. I only read a few entries. The expressions left in that notebook ranged from happiness, to sadness about life, the loss of a loved one, the celebration of marriage, a breakup, a simple ‘hi’, advice for living (someone suggested to smoke more weed) and so much more. We begin to move on after gazing over things and that is when I seen a very unique tree.
I took a photo because of it’s uniqueness. Little did I know how it would inspire me six months later. I find it to be inexplicable how you can see something but then you don’t really SEE it until later.
The tree? I now call it the Tree of Determination. When I look at the dynamics of this tree, the roots, the way the weather and the waters have waded it’s way through the years…it’s still standing. The roots are still planted. Worn down? Yes. Some parts hollowed out? Of course. Amazing that it is still firmly in the ground? Absolutely. I find a lot of beauty in this tree and the story this photo tells me about life.
I WANTED TO BE FREE
My original roots are here in this small town. I do not have too many good memories of living here. I was a rebellious teenager. My parents were divorced but they were good parents. We never heard or seen any fussing of who stayed with who, never seen any finger pointing and I never heard my parents say an ill word about each other. They did great by us. It was me who rebelled. I was angry. I had an attitude (like most teenagers), I wanted to do my own thing and I wanted to be free. I didn’t hate anyone but I was so filled with the desire to be somewhere else and I had no idea where that somewhere else was. I knew it just wasn’t this small town. Little did I know or understand what any of that meant. It wasn’t long after graduation that I left. Since that time, I have lived in other places in NC, mostly along the eastern coast and the city. Technically, I have roots in several places.
Looking back over the years, I have mixed emotions about my life. Only in my 40’s have things begun to change for me. I swear I think it is because we are smarter and wiser. Not all of it was bad because many times I refused to let my circumstances shape me or control me. Whatever I faced, I always dug my heels in and I fought hard. Stubborn some would say but I swear my level of determination is beyond any comprehension….even for my own understanding. Anyway…moving on. Let me just say that my experiences here have been less than desired but like that tree, I am hanging on. I have been worn down by the storms of life. I have been hollowed out by a painful past (and I see that everywhere I go in this town because the memories are tough), my roots are scattered but I am still standing.
CHANGING WITH THE SEASON’S
I won’t bore you with the things I have experienced in my lifetime. I will save that for the book I am aspiring to write but if you read back in my past blogs, you can get a pretty good idea. It is now March 2017 and we are embarking on a new season. I am changing with the seasons and I guess I do that sometimes. Don’t we all? I can’t stand in the midst of repetitive mode that entails superficial or disappointing encounters. It’s not who I am. It bores me in ways I can’t begin to explain.
I will eventually find the place where my heart is full and my mind is at ease. My stop here along this path is temporary. I know and feel that more than anything in this world. I have been in a slow, downhill depressive state since I have moved here. It wasn’t what I thought it to be but I am here for now. I know this isn’t where I belong. I feel it on a daily basis. I am seeking help in dealing with all of the things I have endured since moving here but most importantly, I am not giving in.
Just like the Tree of Determination, I am determined. I may be hollowed out, worn down and my roots are scattered and twisted but I am standing strong, holding on no matter the storm. There is a path that leads to a new direction and when I am ready, I will walk that path with a solid mind of where I am going. For now, I am doing my own thing. I keep to myself and I am trying to figure things out in my head. I will get there but for now, I am just trying to breathe and take it one day at a time.
Peace, Love & Hugs