I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes. I wish I could say that there was a reason for this. I wish I could say that I knew exactly why. Truth is – there are many factors but I have no idea which one carries more weight than the other.
If you think it is the old saying of what people call the ‘Winter Blues’, I can assure you that is not the case with me. I know there are things lingering in my life that have seemed to of found a new home in my head. I want them to go. I want them to go away and let me get back to who I was when I was happy.
One of the worst things to tell someone struggling with depression is to ‘get over it’. That is a very insensitive and ignorant statement. I can get over someone getting my order wrong at a drive thru window. I can get over being held up in traffic. I can get over many things but depression is certainly not something one can just ‘get over it’. I wish so bad that I could. I pray every day that God will allow me to have a better day and to feel better.
What is a depression trigger? For me, it isn’t just one thing. It becomes a multitude of things that happens in a short time frame. The last two years have been full of many disappointments for me. Let downs. Sadness. The three years before that, it was all sickness related and then it become a financial burden which led to a major move and then all of that led to uncertainty, death, heartbreak and so much more.
I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for everyday that God allows me to live it. I just struggle when so many things happen to me at once. I don’t pretend to paint a perfect picture of who I am or how life is for me. I am open about my life but as the weeks, days and months have gone by, I feel more recluse than ever before. I can function very well at work but when the day is done, when I am on the way to the hotel and arrive to my room, I sink back in. If I am out in a social setting, it can hit me with no warning and I begin to feel numb and just really, ready to go home. I don’t even want to be there anymore. I just want to make a b-line to my house. I was in church yesterday and had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. I just needed to get away from people and get to my car. I ended up going home.
You see, depression comes in many forms and it is different for all people who experience it. Don’t try to label it. Just don’t. It is like trying to explain trigonometry to a three year old – pointless and confusing.
I don’t have a circle of friends that I cling to. I am just not that kind of girl. I can be alone and be okay with it. I sort of like it that way because in the loneliness of my own life, I am safe there. I am not judged. I am not told what I should do. I am not made to feel like I am just being ‘silly’. I am free to be exactly who I am – rather depressed or happy. I think a part of me enjoys being along because lets face it, why drag someone else into your own problems?
What I want (or need) is for people who are close to me, to understand that this is not personal. It is something that I have to deal with and work on within myself. I like it better when I can do that alone. It may take me months, it may take me weeks and it may take me years. In 2010 I had some tough things to deal with and that took me three years to get through it. I don’t have a time stamp to place on this depression of mine right now. It just has to run it’s course or at least that is what it does with me.
Listen, I am not seeking for anyone to feel sorry for me. I am more concerned that people make those who feel depressed as if it’s a taboo subject to talk about. I don’t care who you are or what your status quo is in society – it can happen to you anytime. Depression doesn’t care what your race is. It doesn’t care what your job title is. It doesn’t care if you are a parent or a child. It happens to many people of all backgrounds.
If you know of someone who is struggling with depression, do them a favor. Just be there. Just listen. Many times, no advice or opinions are needed but a listening ear and an understanding heart is always comforting. If someone is in danger of harming themselves or others, then by all means, step up and do more. Intervene and help them get the help they need. I am blessed to not be in that kind of depressive state. I am able to help myself and recognize when things are changing, when I am overwhelmed and when it is becoming too much. I know how to help myself and I know how to reach out for help if it becomes too much for me to handle on my own.
To anyone reading this who is suffering from depression, please know you are not alone. Know that it is okay to talk about it. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be angry or mad and to feel the emotions you are going through but whatever you do, don’t let it go too long before you get the help that will be needed. It can be a slow fade and even then, we may be too far in to help ourselves and we need to reach out for someone else to help us.
Peace, Love & Hugs