When You Can Not See

Have you ever had to face any life obstacles that you couldn’t see the outcome? I think that can be pretty overwhelming at times. We all have to go through trials of life and sometimes they can be heavy. We all own each of our trials, bumpy roads, rocky journey’s – however you need to label it (or not), we all have either been through them or are going through them.

If you read and keep up with my blog post, you will know that I have been very open about my recent battle with depression. Battle can be such a strong word to describe depression but it truly is a battle. A battle within yourself. It is personal. It is real. It is your story. My story. Stories that should be told and shared.

In the last few months, I have not felt so well. I have been open about that but I have not been open about the other battle I face. The possibility of cancer. Possibility. Even that word is enough to scare the hell out of you. I have seen first hand what cancer does to someone and it has left me with images in my head that sometimes creep in at random times and I begin to weep. It is a horrible thing.

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A few weeks ago, I had gone in for a routine mammogram. After they told me to go sit in the waiting room after the first image, they come and got me and said they seen something abnormal and would like to take another image. Not only was another image done but also an ultrasound of my right breast was done. It was abnormal. I have an upcoming appointment with the surgical oncologist this coming week. On top of that, I also had a routine exam that showed I had multiple tumors on my uterus and I had an endometrial biopsy done. I am still awaiting those test results which have been going on almost two weeks now. No news is good news, right?

So yeah, it is not fun walking around living life and wondering what is going on with your body. Especially when the word cancer is mentioned. I was so sad. Depressed. Feeling sorry for myself. That needed to stop. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t my personality. I am always positive, trying to be the best version of myself each day – better than the day before. In conversation with my daddy, I was expressing my fears and my concerns. He said to me, ‘Christian, I know you are feeling this way but you are also a Christian, a follower of Christ and when you have that living inside of you, there is a comfort He will provide to you – you just have to ask Him and seek Him’. Seriously, if you don’t know my daddy, you should. He is a good man with a good heart and he is my hero. With those words, I decided to pray harder than I have ever prayed and to take a different look on my situation.

 

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I soon took a work trip and I was bitter about having to go to work. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay at home, encompassed within the four walls of my home and just be a hermit. How was I suppose to lift up other people when I am feeling down on myself? As always, I do leave my problems at the boarding door and focus solely on the safety of my crew and my passengers. I have a duty and a responsibility to each of them and more importantly, a loyalty to my children to come back home safely.

Upon getting to my base, waiting at the gate for my crew (to which none of them had I ever met before – that is just how our job works), I begin to feel some relief. They were a kind, friendly and funny crew to be around. They didn’t know it but they helped lighten my heavy heart with their smiles, their friendly handshakes of greeting and we had a nice chemistry for a four-day trip.

I begin to slowly come out of my depressive state of mind, to embrace the moments I was having, to engage in the people I was taking care of and to remember that I had a purpose. One passenger, toward the end of my trip (last leg of the day as a matter of fact) told me that he was a CEO of a company out of Raleigh (we were doing an RDU-EWR turn) and that in all the years he had been flying, he had never seen such a hands on flight attendant who did the job with grace and kindness. He stated that he was going to write the company because they needed 100% more like me. That made me feel good on the inside and to know that even though I am dealing with all this on the inside, he could not see that. He seen my dedication to my work and that was all he seen. The present. The current situation exactly how it presented itself. Right then, right there.

My trip was done so I made my commuting journey home – just in time for the snow to push into my area. I love watching snow fall. It is so beautiful the way it blankets everything around it. As the snow begin to fall, my community and those nearby begin to come to a quiet, peaceful standstill.  Everyone at home, cozy and comfortable and enjoying their families.

Yesterday we ventured out for a little while because I do get restless being at home after a while. We decided to ride up the mountain which is what I like to call my backyard playground. It is so beautiful up there. As we made our way up the winding road, with every curve, you couldn’t see past the curve. There was so much fog and snow blowing around from the higher mountains that it was really magical feeling. It also reminded me about my situation.

I can not see ahead. I can not see the end results yet. I can not see what my future is going to be. I can not possibly be as strong as God is asking me to be. I can not…….

BUT YES I CAN! I can and I will be as strong as I am called to be. I look back at the way the cards were dealt to me in the past, the way I defeated them and played my game with strength, dignity and grace. Grace. Remember how the CEO in my first class said I had grace? I thought of that too. Isn’t is awesome that we have such a loving God who is full of grace and mercy?! We are not deserving of anything but through Christ love and sacrifice, we are given so much! I may not can see ahead but I know that the road I am traveling is paved with FAITH!

I have come through many trials in my life and I have served a purpose with each circumstance. I am not here to tell you how to live your life, that is your own choice but I am here to share with you what my story is and how much God has truly given me exactly what I have needed and not always what I wanted – even when I can not see.

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If you are reading my blog today then I ask you to pray with me (if that is what you do) and I challenge you to reach out to someone who may be battling depression. You never know the underlying cause, the reasons, the circumstances that surround their depression. They may not even fully understand it but I assure you – your love, your support and your vibe is one that can help turn things around for them. I am thankful for the friends and family that I have who love me through the days that I don’t feel I deserve their love.

If you are reading my blog today and you are dealing with depression, illness, awaiting test results – whatever it is that is seeping into your life and causing you to feel hopeless, I encourage you to let those who love you, let them love you exactly where you are at this moment. It can be tough. It can be a struggle but you are worth it. You are worth every ounce of fight that you pour into yourself. Kick the negative things to the curb – people, family, colleagues, girlfriends, boyfriends, habits – whatever it is that holds you down, I pray that you will find the courage and the strength to let those things go and see how valuable you are in this life. It is YOUR life. Live it. Love it. Embrace it.

You may not can see it now (just like me) but I can promise you that God see’s it and He is walking with you. Trust Him.

 

Peace, Love & Happiness

Christian ♥

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