Goodness, it has been almost a year since I last visited my own blog page, and attempted to even write anything. I miss it so much. There was a time when it was a solid outlet for me to allow the thoughts I had, to be shared with each of you, in hopes that what I had to say would resonate with someone out there. If you are still around and received an email about this new post, or you see it shared on social media, then you are the real MVP’s for sticking around and being a fan – even if I have been a bit MIA in the last year. Life has been somewhat challenging for me, to say the least.
It is a quiet Sunday here in the South and I sit here listening to X Ambassadors on my Pandora, the windows are opened and my thoughts are running like crazy today. I am learning that when the seasons change, I begin to change with it. If you are feeling that too, then I guess you already know that it is a blessing and a curse.
I hope that each of you who are reading my blog post today, are doing well and that life is treating you with a lot of love, acceptance and happiness. In the past year, I have had a lot of changes to come about, but yet I still feel like nothing has changed at all. You would think I would have some growth in my life but all I feel is circles – endless, running around in circles, trying to find happiness.
Around this time last year, I was dealing with severe depression. I had spent over nine months in therapy, working through the depression. It was challenging, daunting and some on the days I went, I felt like a walking zombie for the next 24 hours. I had no energy left within me to even talk to anyone else. I had poured it all out in therapy and I guess that is why I wasn’t writing like I had been. So what triggered all of this depression? As a result of an in-flight injury to my ears, I was put on the ground, and no more flying. I was even told that if I continue to fly, I am putting myself at a great risk. It has been a very hard ‘pill to swallow’. Honestly, it feels more like swallowing sand than anything. It hasn’t been a definite for me because in the end, I am the one to control what I do with it. If I choose to fly, (which I have a schedule to return to flying soon), then I will have to deal with the consequences. I need health insurance and I need to work.
Speaking of work, I miss being a full time hairstylist like I have been for the last 30 years of my life. While life has felt very suffocating in the last year, I am fighting hard to break away from it all. I am now an ’empty nester’, and I have the freedom to go and do what I want, when I want and where I want. While I have those freedoms in theory, I couldn’t feel as more confined as I do now. It is a very difficult place for me to be. Just when I think something is working out for me, or that I am making progress, it is like a snap of the fingers and I find myself in a deep state of sadness. I long for the days where I use to be in a salon, working steadily, making my own schedule and being my own boss. I just don’t feel that where I currently live, that there is a market for me here. The feeling just isn’t right. You know that feeling, the one you get when your gut tells you that its just not the correct place for you. It is the kind of feeling that you feel it so strong, that it causes anxiety or it makes you sick with stress. I have been that way for over two years now. Will it ever end?
When I was told I couldn’t fly, that it was in my best interest to pursue a new direction, I thought about a new career. After all, I am the jack of all trades, right? So I began to explore areas of study and before I knew it, I was enrolled in the local community college to study the Paralegal two year degree program. Let me just tell you, lawyers owe a great deal to their paralegals and they should pay them accordingly. I think the average salary for a paralegal, entry level, should be at least $55,000 per year – minimum. Everything that I have been studying, is what lawyers study and it is a very in-depth program. Understanding how to brief case law, research papers, studying crimes, learning the judicial system, ethics, laws, and so much more. My mind has been blown in the last six weeks of going back to college. It is an entirely new world.
As I am in this chaos of the unknown right now, I am doing my best to hold on. To what is the question. I don’t have an answer – not for you or for myself. Sometimes, in my head, I feel like Maverick from Top Gun. The scene where he had just lost his partner, Goose, and the flight instructor told them to get Mav back up there as soon as possible. Maybe I need to get back up there as soon as possible, to get back in the groove of things. Will it make me happy? Will it change my outlook on some things? I have no idea. I do feel like I am grieving for a part of my life that no longer is, but can it be again?
They say that we are all in charge of our own destiny, and that we can make anything happen for ourselves if we just keep at it. I am not sure there is truth to that statement. You must add in circumstances, finances, health, surroundings and so much more. They are all factors that mesh together, to create a destiny, to keep us on a journey in life. Sometimes I feel as if I talk in circles, and move in circles with never moving forward. Although the movement and actions feel like I am doing something, I feel like I am still as lost today as I was a year ago – and maybe before that.
Have you ever been mesmerized by the beauty of a kaleidoscope? I think they are a fascinating instrument. As they showcase a reflection of colors, mirrored from a repeated reflection of light, it moves so seamlessly, all in a pattern. That is how I sometimes will describe how my mind works. It is full of ideas, creativity, varying degree’s of imagination, and it never stops. Not ever. It is hard for me to be still, and many times it is hard for me to get motivated – especially if it is something I have little interest in. If I try something and I see that it isn’t working for me then I bail. Just like the kaleidoscope will move seamlessly and flow all together, I have an expectation in my mind that the things I engage in, should be that way as well. I have been that way my entire life. It is not changing because it is ingrained into my mind. It is how I am wired.
I have never been one to be in one place too long, always wanting a new scenery. Only my mama has been the most honest one about that with me. Finally, I had to be honest with myself about that as well. What to do about it all? I don’t know. It is why flying appeals to me so much. You are always on the move, city to city, passengers are never the same, and many times your crew isn’t either. You don’t have time to get bored with people or things because it is always changing.
As I sit here and try to get through writing this long, overdue blog post, my eyes are cloudy with the tears. My heart is heavy with burdens, and I long for peace within my own soul. Will I find it? I hope it isn’t another year before you hear from me, to find out. If you stay with me, I hope to take you on this journey with me because where I am, isn’t all that I am.
Peace, Love & Happiness