Two Sides That Fight Each Other and Why I Love Them Both

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Depression. No one wants to talk about it anymore. No one wants to recognize it. The labels, the talk behind your back, the solitude and comfort it brings. It is a very complex, self environment that digs deep within the walls of your very being. The darkness can be overcome by the smiles and the daily routines that we use to survive and sometimes, that darkness shines brighter than any city lights that light up the skyline. It comes in many forms and it affects anyone. It knows no gender, no race. It can go un-diagnosed for a long time, it can be self- diagnosed. It is isolating. Lonely. Scary. It is real.

I am a woman who is dealing with depression. For me, my depression happens when I have had a lot of life events to change or a series of events that never seem to let up. In the past year, I have lost four people who meant a lot to me. FOUR. One of them being my nephew. Not a day goes by that I don’t cry in some form or fashion about missing him. It has only been a little over a year and it still stings as if it was just yesterday and many days, it is like he is still here. It is painful. All of it.

Two years ago, I moved to this small town and I have been miserable ever since. No matter what positive I try to put on the situation, I am so miserable here that I make myself sick over it. On the flip side of that, for now, I am stuck here. Maybe stuck isn’t a nice word to use so lets say I am temporarily nesting. Yeah. I like the sound of that better. Nesting until I can put together my next stepping stone in life.

There is so much that goes into my personal story, that you would either have to go back to the very beginning of my blog post and read them from day one up until now and then, just maybe, you would gain some deeper insight on the ups and downs of my life. For now, just take my word for it.

Depression is something that I fight a lot lately. One part of me likes the solitude from people while the other side of me longs for social stimulation. Both sides of that are comfortable to me. I wish I could tell you why or how that is but there is no explanation for it. Maybe I am just that complex in who I am. I just go through the motions, praying many times – asking God to help me. Help me not feel like this.

When I lived in Raleigh, after first moving there, I spent five years going to therapy. I hated going at first. It made me dig up things in my head that I had buried for many years. The key part of my therapist was that one, she was a Christian and two, she said to me, ‘We will not fix this in one visit, not in six weeks, not even in one year. It will take time. It will be painful, it will hurt but you will have to do this to gain the tools and skills in your life to learn to deal with all the hurt you have endured.”. She was amazing and then she moved away due to the relocation of her husbands job. By that time, I had gained the skills I needed to handle my life. It was liberating and it was a lot better than taking medicine. I hated that idea and refused to do so. She didn’t push either. She was a cool person and probably one of the few people in this world that I have ever been able to resonate with and get along with because I felt like she understood me. Especially when so many misunderstand me.

So why am I experiencing depression after almost eight years after therapy? Well, life happens. Things happen and disappointment comes in many forms and it doesn’t care what is going on in your life. Some think that because I am a flight attendant, that I am living this great life and traveling the world. Wrong. I do love my job but I am not traveling the world. I am leaving my home, driving an hour to the airport (not getting paid), commuting on a flight to my base (not getting paid) and arriving at my base and often, waiting until my report time and guess what? I am still not getting paid until I report at the scheduled time for me to do so. Once there, I am doing my duties and I am still not getting paid until the doors shut and arm. Sometimes, up to 9 hours can pass before I am getting paid and those hours are spent just getting to work. Yeah, I know. Don’t say it. I do the job because I do love it but it is beginning to take a financial toll on me. It is bringing me way down and depressing me.

You want honesty? You want reality? I just gave it to you. It is hard to stay ‘chipper’ or always smiling when you feel like you are spinning your wheels. I cry a lot lately. More than I want to. I sit at home on my days off in my pajamas or in my lounge pants watching a movie, doing some craft, drinking coffee, distancing myself from people and only engaging with my children. I love it when they call, come home for a weekend or when I can go see them.

I do not have a circle of friends. I am pretty much an extrovert with a lot of introvert attributes as well. It is a hurricane of emotions. The more I age, the more I like being alone. When I go to work, I go and I give it more than 200% of who I am and to be frank – the passengers love me but when I am done, I shut down and I don’t want to see people or talk to them. I just want to go home. People have a way of really running you down in the ground and they don’t even realize it.

I wasn’t always like this. I have become this person in the last couple of years since I have moved back to my hometown.  It sucks the life right out of me. There is no life here. At least not for me. I am so sad here. Depressed. It is boring. I miss the greenways, I miss the choice of four malls, the state fair grounds, the farmers market and oh my gosh at all the free stuff  one can go and enjoy. I miss the people. I miss the variety of life. I miss being closer to my son but now I am close to my daughter in college. I can’t get the balance right. I want things I can’t have right now. Life has been changing the last couple of years and I am not okay with any of it lately. I am having a hard time coping.

I am more outspoken than I have ever been. I do not care anymore if I lose friendships or not. I simply do not care. Like no feeling about it all. None, nada. Not an ounce of care do I give about having friends or not.  I feel like so many people are living a life that even they don’t recognize themselves.

So why am I not living in a place where I am happy? Simple. I can not afford it. When I moved away from the city, it caused a grave impact on my job as a flight attendant. I am feeling as if I am committing financial suicide here. The drive to and from the airports (some of them two hours away), the gas to get there and back, the parking. It is daunting. I am tired of it. I am depressed over it. I am lost right now. I cry over it – many, many times. I cry over how fat I have gotten since I moved here. I cry over how much I love the little house I live in now and what a blessing my lower lease is compared to the city (where it was 3x higher) but I can’t get this in the city or anywhere near it. I cry because I don’t make enough as a regional flight attendant to hardly pay my bills. I cry because I can’t really do hair anymore due to carpel tunnel. I CRY, I CRY, I CRY – and I am tired of crying.

Medicine you may think I need? Nope. I had that discussion with my doctor. It is not an option. I want to know what I am feeling and how do I know if I am getting over this, through this, whatever you want to call it – if I am not feeling every ounce of what is going on with me and dealing with the problems. Don’t get me wrong, there are several who may need medicine to help them but I do not put myself in that classification because I simply know that there are things in my life situation that NEED to change but I can’t really change them right now so, I just deal with it and push through each day. I think they call it a high functioning depression or some crap like that. Depression is depression in my opinion. You can label it one hundred ways to Sunday and it is still depression. Did I mention that I can’t stand it when people try to put fancy spins on basic, simplistic stuff? Oh God it annoys me so badly. As I say many times lately, you can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig.

All I know, is that I miss Raleigh, NC. That was home to me. I was happy there. I thought I would be happy here. I was wrong. I am not happy here. I don’t belong here. I will never belong here.

I am up here holding onto my dreams, my planned goals and what I wish to happen for me and my little family. I am very open with them about what I feel. I don’t hide it and we talk about it around here. I am blessed to have children and certain family members I can confide in about what I am feeling. I love all of who I am but I also don’t like what the depression does to me or how it makes me feel. Does that make sense to you? Okay, so here – let me help you. I love myself when I am happy. I love myself when I am sad. I am not ashamed of who I am. Heck, I am the most open and honest person you will ever meet but that is the problem – people can’t handle that about me. I don’t care because I can’t handle the lie that many people live and the lies they tell themselves. We are a society that talks about everything other than what we should be talking about. Our mental health system in the US sucks. Go watch the documentary, Going Sane on Amazon. A gentleman and his wife whom I attended church with in Raleigh, collaborated with their film making colleagues and made that documentary. Eye opening. Watch it. You will be glad you did. I will post the link at the bottom of this blog post.

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Depression is real. Depression is me. It lives within me even when I am just trying to live.

 

If someone you love is struggling, going through a hard time, please listen. Just let them work through it and don’t push them. Many times someone who is depressed, can’t tell you exactly what is going on. Sometimes, it is so much at once. We don’t always need a response to everything we say. We don’t always want to talk. Every day that we wake up feeling depressed, trust me – we are fighting it within ourselves. We are trying. I promise.

Peace, Love & Hugs

Christian ♥

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